Tuesday, March 06, 2001

So its Monday and this Phantom Blizzard is great. I came home this w/e for a little recuperation. I started reading Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger and finished it in one day. I loved Catcher in the Rye so I thought I'd try this one. I think its older than Catcher... I mean more mature not historic. My favorite quote is rather long (and I'm cutting it out the setup a bit) but bear with me....

"Everything everybody does is so--I don't know--not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and--sad making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way."

He's not even alive anymore but he gets it. Good to know there's one more out there, and one that can express it so well.

Other than the book, Friday sucked 'cause the 'rents were givin' me a 'tude. My sis' can be a pain but she's better than most, so i can deal. I had a little aim fight. Plus a weird incident at the bus stop...

Saturday I just relaxed and watched High Fidelity on DVD and chatted on AIM and did some IRC d/ling too. I did not work for the NSA or FBI, OK? High Fidelity is one of the most book like movies ever (right up there w/ Fight Club). It feels like you are reading not watching. Its much better that way for some kinds of movies. Another aim fight....

Sunday we prepared for the blizzard. I was supposed to go home but class was gonna be canceled today so I decided to stay home until Tues. If class is canceled Wedn. Im not going back until next Monday. Watched Frequency at night. It was kinda trite but not bad at all.

Today I hung around mostly. The power went out from the storm and my mom, sis and her bf played tribond. I pulled out a win 5 minutes after the power came on and I was right back online. My sister took the tv/computer room alot, but i dealed. I watched the taped Buffy TVS tape my friend Jamie made for me (its a good show, I dont care what you think). I've smiled today more than I have combined at my time at Umass. I'll leave with another Franny and Zooey quote... "I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet
somebody I could respect."

Friday, March 02, 2001

(BTW I'll eventually get around to a design better than this default crap)
I'm not happy. Ever. Not anymore. If Greg my roommate is here Im usually angry at him and hating him. At the very least I'm uncomfortable and I can focus on those feelings. I stare at him with the back of my head and mutter subvocally, while going about my normal business. He goes about his ghetto wannabe act, with stereo blaring, tv blaring and screaming scumbag things on the phone. Its the worst.

But sometimes he's not here, like now. In fact he may be gone this whole weekend. I should be happy. I'm not happy. Today was Thirsty Thursday so there were various small parties on my floor. Drinking, and yelling and puking and smokin' and carrying on. Its annoying, but I've built up some immunity to it. I still dislike it because I have no friends I can just go out and converse in anything resembling inteligent conversation here and the drunk sheep have the best four years of their life (patent pending).

Thats over too. And I'm still miserable. The room had a mildly offensive odor. I am bored. I dont want to go to class in the morning. I don't want to sleep cause I'll wake up here. Tomorrow is Friday and maybe I'll go home for the w/e.

Then I'll go home and at the very least I'll be bored. My friends are at college or busy with high school and Academic Decathlon. They won't have time to hang out and even Acadec meetings will be the serious kind, since States are a week away. And most likely I'll be forced to drive my sister and her friends around a dozen times to a dozen places with three dozen different kids. Once or twice a day is no big deal. A lot of her friends are good guys, a few I knew before her. But some of my sister's friends are seedy and I have to drive them and her from north bum to the boonies for no reason. Just because I dont have a social life doesnt meant I should center my life around hers.

So basically Im not happy. Welcome to Life, Population 6 Billion. Chief Export, crap, corpses and misery. Pay on your left.

Thursday, March 01, 2001

You know you spend too much time on the computer when you wake up typing on your bed. I'm up about an hr earlier than I ever need to be on the day I never have class because I remembered that the person I was dream-aiming with doesnt use that screenname anymore. Weird.

Found out that Catch 22 and Big D are coming here in April. They're two of my favorite bands so that rocks. I'm a veteran of double digit Big D shows but this will be my first Catch show. My sister is going to come up for it probably and I'm trying to get my friend Dan to come from RPI. He needs a show and I havent seen him in a while.

My former friend Tom says he wants to make amends on his web journal now. Don't know about that. We'll see.

Monday, February 26, 2001

My roommate won't leave. He's not here that often during the day so it may seem like I'm bitching. I am, but when my roommate is here, he makes his precence known. He's now blaring DMX, flicking between espn and BET and talking on the phone very loudly. So obnoxious and cliche. Arg.
Fun, fun, fun. I woke up at 1030 this morning after going to sleep at 3. I lied down at 2 but the tv was especially annoying last night. Eventually even Greg got tired of it and turned it off. Thank goodness for small miracles. My first class starts at 11:15 on MWF and its 15 minutes away. Considering there is usually a line for the shower this time in the morning, I don't have time. Oh well.

I make it to class on time. Its Multivariable Calculus. I probably should be in linear algebra but I couldnt fit it in my schedule. Its not that bad a leap. Some of it is really easy but occasionally its extremely dificult. I accidentally integrate 2cos(2t) instead of getting the derivative and feel a short twinge of humiliation. Most of the kids in the room are good at math, I'm just middling. There are a few that are even more useless that pretend they're masters, however and my humiliation is soon history. I acquit myself with a few quick correct answers.

I decide I'll go to Intro to Logic too. I skipped last week, its very elementary and it goes far to slowly. I hate that. Today, it bit me on the ass with a vengeance though when the first words from the prof's mouth are "We try to return tests two sessions are they're given, so you should get your tests back Wed." Crap, there was a test Friday! It would've been an easy A. How reamed am I?

The class itself wasn't bad. We've gotten out of brute forcing logical equations with truth tables and now are doing reasoning and proofs. They still are too easy to be interesting but at least they promise greater things to come. I really should get arond to buying the book.

Of course, I skipped Chem. I failed it last semester, and got a D in it in High School. I hate Chemistry. Oh well.

I'm back here by 1 and Greg leaves as I enter. Thank God. Apparently wishing works sometime. I'm not the cleanest kid on the block so its time for a shower. Of course, the cleaning guys are in there now. Why is it that whenever I want to shower, they are blocking it off, yet it remains unclean? So I have to wait, with no way to know when they'll be done except by walking down the hall to check.

Its comedy when you fall down a man hole and break your neck, its tragedy when I cut my finger. (paraphrased from mel brooks).


Thats the word I use most these days, and it seems appropriate. Starting this page won't be smooth, but in a few weeks it won't matter. Either this site will be cobwebbed or active enough that this first entry is but a footnote. I don't know which will occur yet, conflicting aspects of my personality will have to fight it out.

I'm lazy. It's a bit more complex than that in actuality but when you boil it down to its essence its laziness. Of course when you subject something to emersion in water of extremely high temperatures, it sometimes becomes warped.

I need to bitch. Usually this isnt the case but I hate my college. I hate my roommate and they won't let me change. There is nothing redeemable about this institute of higher learning. Of course, I ended up here primarily due to my laziness, so I'm to blame in the end. My scant remaining friends claim to not be annoyed by my bitching but I suspect they're being nice.

I need to write. I can go fairly signifigant amounts of time without it but when Im not doing much and when I'm miserable (both chronic cases here), I have to write. I dont even finish most of what I write, abandoning it after a few dozen pages, never to look at it again. Surprisingly this isn't do to my laziness, but due to my inability to finish the story in a satisfactory way. I don't like to end a story on a sour note, and positive endings always feel plastic.

Have you noticed my emphasis on my laziness? Its probably more of a symptom than anything but it remains important to my life.

So this is a journal or a diary or a log right? I should probably start describing today rather than myself. Today is a Sunday. Strictly speaking my day began at midnight. I sat at my computer in a rigid blocky wooden chair in front of my computer. I talked to my friend Jamie as I always do. I was talking to Jen as I nearly always do. My friends tend to be girls, when such a group exists. Jamie takes the blunt of my hardcore whining. She's overly sympathetic. Jen tends to be the other extreme, telling me to find something I like. I emailed my friend Michelle, who I call Mitch the Bitch (in a good way) to wish her a happy birthday. It's absolutely nothing but maybe she'll like it.

Unfortunately, I go to the University of Massachusetts at Amherst along with 20,000 peers and another 10,000 students at other levels. Its in Western Massachusetts, or really central Mass but anything westawoostah is western mass. Its not completely deserted but there is very little to do. UMass is a heavy drinking school, which doesnt jive very well with me. I'm straightedge. For the unitiated that means no drugs, no alchohol and no casual sex. In High School this worked pretty well since there was a signifigant group of geeks and punks who didnt drink. The situation is different here.

But see, Ive strayed once again. After another Saturday night where I did nothing of particular note I went to sleep at 3. My roommate came in around 5. He was wasted of course and turned on the light and made lots of noise and generally made it impossible for me to sleep. Then he turned on espn as he always does and went to sleep with it on. He refuses to turn off the tv when he sleeps. He's a big dick. I've tried three times this year to get it changed. I filled out the forms and submitted them. I'm still here. I'm a pasty Irish-Scot from the lower middle class South Shore suburbs. I'm a geek and a punk. He's a black guy, maybe Dominican, from middle class Malden and a wannabe ganster. He enjoys blaring his music extremely loudly and refusing to turn it down.

I slept fitfully as I regularly do when he's there with the tv on. I woke at 2 still not very rested. The tv is still on, but at least they stopped repeating sportscenter. Greg is gonna spend all day in his underwear. Fuck. I have to get out. There's nowhere to go. Fuck. I check my regular sites, Slashdot, MLBtalk, and some of my friends sites. Its a sunday, alot of sites dont update today. I talk to Jamie and Xin and Mitch. Mitch has gotten lots of happy birthday wishes, which means she is happy. I'm glad she's happy and surprisingly not envious. I wish all my friends could be happy even if I am not. Tomorrow I have class. Sundays suck.

Amherst proper is a small town. There is two blocks of stores for Amherst College and Umass. Its mostly restaurantes and a Newburry Comics. There are a few real stores, but I have little use for vacuum cleaners or typewriter repair. Still I decide I'll walk into town, about two miles. As always I never say a word to Greg as I put on my leather jacket, Dropkick Murphys black scalley cap and courier bag. Its like 4:30 pm when I go down the stairs. I always just fall and let my feet move from stair to stair under me. Four floors later, I walk out the door and start up my walkman. Around 15 steps later, the rain starts. Its a cold rain, the type thats becomes ice on ur clothes after it hits and stings ur face. Im not going all the way through unplowed sidewalks in this.

Time for the dining hall instead. Its a 10 minute walk down the hill to the nearest one. I have a bunch of meals but I don't eat here much. Mostly because the food is what you'd expect in a public universities dining hall, but also because it closes at 7 (I am never hungry until like 9) and its such a pain to get all the way down there. I live in Orchard Hill, which is supposed to be the Honors College dorms. I'm not in the Honors College, but I was in an honors program first semester. It was pointless. The room still sucks and its far from anyplace to eat and all the places for classes. Could be worse.

I'm back by 5:30. When I eat crappy food alone, I tend to eat fast. Greg is still here when I'm back. He hasnt moved. I wonder if he's hungover. I hope he is. I talk to Jamie and Jen as I write this. I have a big debate/argument with Jen on drinking. She doesnt either for different reasons from me but she decides to play Devil's Advocate and debate in favor. Its messes with my head but eventually she realizes it. She has a paper to do so she has to leave before we can really finish. I'm sure I'll talk more about my feelings on drinking later but I've had enough tangents for today.

This blog is called Gray Walls. The walls of my room are gray blocks like you find in many highschools. I worked in the webdesign department of Fidelity Investments the last two summers. It paid better than I could get elsewhere but there were gray walls there too. I hate great walls. They just suck my energy from me. And thats how I feel now. I just gotta keep refusing to give in.

This is Pants, signing off.